Defying the laws of Common Sense (or what's left of them in 'Merlin')
by Not Waiting for Boredom
Summary: A anthology of short stories and half-stories of things that would never happen in the canon Merlin-verse, ever. But in the Merlin fandom, on the other hand... The Six Merry Sorcerers: Cutie, Old-Man, Lady, George, Emrys and Prisoner Number Six, the Camelot Dungeon's most recent addition, share their stories of how they ended up in the cells in their rendition of 'The Magic Tango'.


**This is my first thingy in the Merlin fandom. I really like the song 'Cell Block Tango' (from the musical_ Chicago_) and felt like writing this. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, its characters or 'Cell Block Tango'.**

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_And now the six merry sorcerers of the Camelot Dungeons, in their rendition of 'The Magic Tango'_

"Take him to Cell Six."

That had been the last thing the man heard in his drunken stupor before he passed out. He woke to the sound of water dripping. He got up hastily. Had it been some sort of nightmare?

No, it wasn't. He had in fact been thrown into the Camelot dungeons after all.

He could hear some muttering from the other cells. Some were angry, some were mournful. Prisoner Number Five in particular seemed quite annoyed.

"Cute!" Prisoner Number One hissed.

"Hole!" An elderly voice from Cell Four groaned.

"Stab!" A female voice from Cell Two muttered a spell. Nothing happened.

"Never!" The bars of Cell Five shook as a hand slammed against them.

"Throne room!" He could see the golden eyes of Prisoner Number Three as he stared pitifully at the dungeon door.

Prisoner Number Six held his head in his hands. This was too much for him, even without the pounding headache. Locked up with all of these sorcerers. "Self-defence," he whispered. It had only been self-defence, after all. Well, that was what he told himself when he started learning.

_We had it coming, we had it coming,  
We only had ourselves to blame  
But if you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it…_

"I betcha you would have done the same…" Prisoner Number Three turned towards Cell Six. "Hey, we have a new person!" He announced somewhat cheerfully.

"How could you be so cheerful at this time of day, Emrys?" Cutie moaned. "It's not even dawn yet!"

"Welcome, my fellow merry sorcerer. Enjoy your stay in the dungeon," Old-Sorcerer muttered sarcastically.

Lady let out a short, bitter bark of laughter. "And if you don't, at least you won't have to bear the torture for long."

Prisoner Number Five also turned around to see the newcomer. "I can't see him," he complained. Emrys muttered a spell and a ball of fire lit up the dungeons.

Prisoner Number Five could definitely see him now. "You!" he snarled.

"Who?" Emrys asked.

Prisoner Number Six smacked his forehead with his palm. Of course, of all the people he could be stuck with in a dungeon, _he _had to be there.

"Whoever he is, I think he's happy to see you, George," Emrys called out mischievously. George rolled his eyes.

"Stop shining that light in my face." Prisoner Number Six covered his eyes in an attempt to block out the light. "You're making the hangover worse."

"Sorry." The light dimmed.

After what seemed like an hour of silence, Lady spoke. "Mordred? You never told me how you were caught."

"That's none of your business," Mordred grumbled. So _he _was Cutie. Prisoner Number Six snickered to himself. The nickname definitely fitted the baby-faced ex-knight.

"You might as well tell her now," Old-Man pointed out.

"Since I'm being executed soon?" Mordred growled. "No need to remind me."

Old-Man shrugged. "If you say so."

"Fine." Mordred's eyes flashed gold and the ball of light floated towards him. His face was bathed in a fiery orange light as he began his story.

"You know how some people like to say things that get you down? Like Gwaine." He spat the name out. "Gwaine would call me little. No, not little," Mordred's face was scrunched up in disgust, "_cute_."

Mordred was certainly sensitive about the 'cute' thing. Prisoner Number Six made a note not to call him 'Cutie' to his face.

"So I came down to training one day," Mordred continued, "and there's Gwaine, laughing along with Elyan and Percival about how little I was." Mordred paused for half a second. "Wait, not little. _Cute!_"

"No offence, but you _are _kinda cute," Lady pointed out.

"Downright adorable," Emrys added.

Mordred glared at the two as he spoke. "So I said to him… I said, 'Gwaine, you call me cute one more time…'" He sighed. "And he _did_."

Mordred rolled his shoulders back. "So, when he was practising on the crossbow, the wind blew –" At this point, Mordred smirked. "– and the arrow was affected… it flew straight back at him!" Lady snickered, while everyone else winced.

_He had it coming, he had it coming…_

"He only had himself to blame," Mordred insisted as Emrys stared wide-eyed at him.

The silence was broke by Old-Man. "I knew Arthur since he was born all those years ago," he said nostalgically. "His father made me promise that I'd do everything in my power to help him if he was ever hurt. I made that vow without hesitation."

Mordred sent the fireball to Old-Man, and his face soon glowed in the firelight. "Once, he went to deal with Morgana. He told me that he had only got a scratch and he would be fine." Gaius rolled his eyes. "A scratch, my foot! Not only was he scratched, oh no." Gaius shook his head. "He had a massive hole in his abdomen."

Prisoner Number Six winced. That must have had _hurt_.

"I really hated him, you know!" Lady protested.

"So that night, when he came in," Gaius continued, "I fixed him, just like Uther made me promise." Gaius stopped talking, and an uncharacteristic flash of rage crossed his face. "It's not _my _fault some boys just can't stand a healing spell!" Gaius sighed defeatedly. "But I guess I had it coming…"

_I had it coming,  
And he took a flower in its prime.  
And then he used it, and he abused it…_

"It was a spell, but not a crime!" Gaius fumed. "Why couldn't he see that?"

"Because sorcery is a crime," Emrys pointed out.

"So how did he get that wound?" Prisoner Number Six asked. "Wait. It was Morgana, wasn't it?"

Morgana smirked and summoned the ball of light to herself. "That's right. I had just made my way into the castle. I knew it'd be easy, with one knight seriously injured and another in the dungeons –"

"It wasn't my fault!" Mordred protested.

"Whatever. Anyway, Camelot was weaker than ever. I was in the castle when my half-brother storms in in a righteous rage. 'Why must you always attack Camelot?!' he says. He was being _so _annoying, and he kept on saying 'Whay must you always attack Camelot?!'"

"Actually, he has a point. Why do you always attack Camelot?" Emrys asked.

"Because Camelot deserves it. Well, Arthur, anyway. He just happened to be a king."

"Still, the people..." Emrys murmured.

Morgana shrugged. "Then he ran into my dagger," she continued, before correcting herself. "Or rather, that dagger ran into _him. _From behind."

_If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it…_

"I betcha you would have done the same!" Morgana cackled triumphantly.

George stared at Morgana in horror. "What in the world am I doing here with all of these… evil people?" he spat.

"Yeah, exactly _why _are you here?" Gaius asked. "You're not a sorcerer… right?"

"Of course not!" George yelped as Morgana sent the ball of fire to him a little too forcefully. "There was a rumour that I had handed a knight a spell book to teach him how to use magic. But it's not true! I was taking the book away to be burned, but the knight came and stole it! But the king heard the rumour anyway. The knight in question got away, of course."

Prisoner Number Six snorted. Everyone knew the knight was arrested as well.

"Me?" George ranted. "I was thrown straight into this cell, no questions asked!"

"Yeah, but did you do it?" Emrys asked.

"Were you not listening?!" George screeched. "It was never me!"

"Calm down," Gaius tried to placate the ex-servant. "No one here's accusing you of anything."

George shot him a death glare, but composed himself. "I'm not guilty," he maintained.

Emrys shrugged. "Well, I guess everyone knows about me –"

"I don't," Prisoner Number Six interrupted.

"Really?"

Prisoner Number Six shook his head. He had never heard of the name Emrys. Didn't ring a bell.

"But I thought that…" Emrys shrugged. "Never mind. So, this dragon had this prophecy that the king Arthur and I had this double act, that he was the Once and Future King and that it was my destiny to protect him." Emrys snorted. "_That _part was certainly right. I was forever protecting the prat from various dangers. The last time we were on a mission, we got ambushed by twenty or so bandits all at once. The knight couldn't fight them all off at once, so I had to help. I brought tree branches down on heads, I made them drop their swords, I tripped them over –"

"I remember that," Mordred commented. "Arthur was wondering how the bandits could be so incompetent."

"I know right?" Emrys cleared his throat. "Well, this one night, we were in the throne room. Just the two of us, waiting for the rest of the knights to meet us here. Then the clotpole got bored and ordered me to polish his sword _again_! Of course, I went out to polish it. I come back, open the door, and there's Morgana in the room with him, doing what she does best –"

Emrys' voice was joined by Morgana's and they spoke in unison, "– stabbing the king in the back."

Morgana snickered. "That was fun. Well, until he tried to kill me."

"Arthur?" Prisoner Number Six asked.

"No, me," Emrys answered for Morgana. "I was in such a state of shock, I lost control. I honestly can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I woke up in here, that I even knew what I had done!"

_I had it coming, I had it coming  
I had it coming all along_

"And, yes, I meant it," Emrys added, cutting off Prisoner Number Six's question, "and now I've done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?"

"True" Prisoner Number Six. "But wasn't that…" His mouth dropped open as Emrys summoned the fireball to himself. "… Merlin?"

"You're not the only surprised one," Morgana pointed out dryly.

"So, what about you? How'd you end up in here?" Merlin asked.

Prisoner Number Six shrugged. "I decided to teach myself magic from that book George had. It was for self-defence, after that… arrow incident." He stopped as Mordred snickered, then continued on. "Well, you can only fight magic with magic after all…"

"Wait." Merlin stopped him this time. "You _taught yourself _magic?"

"Aw, is Emrys jealous?" Morgana snickered.

Prisoner Number Six smirked. "What can I say? I was a natural, I guess. But I always wanted to show off my skills to someone. I know it's illegal, but still…" He shrugged. "Anyway, I often went to the tavern. It was like a second home to me. I'd buy a drink, or two, or three… I'd do all sorts of things while drunk: I've kissed random people, I've thrown up o random people, I've made up stories about my fellow knights… I've set things on fire with spells."

Everyone gasped, even Morgana and Mordred. "I guess you could say I got thrown out because of differing tastes. I saw myself as harmless, and the barman saw me imprisoned!" He finished with the punch-line, except there was no laughter because that was exactly what would have happened. "The dirty bum…"

_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…_

"Wait, you never told us your name," Gaius inquired. The ball of light was shoved into his face.

"… Gwaine?" Merlin groaned. "You're an even bigger clotpole than Arthur!"

Gwaine shrugged. "I had it coming."

"We had it coming," Merlin agreed.

_ We had it coming all along.  
'Cause if they used us and they abused us…_

"How could they tell us that we were wrong?" Mordred snarled.

"You threw an arrow at me," Gwaine pointed out.

"It was your fault!"

_We had it coming, we had it coming…_

"Calm down, boys." Gaius hushed them both. "We only have ourselves to blame, really."

_But if you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same!_

Mordred ignored him. "You called me cute one more time…" he threatened Gwaine.

Gaius watched Morgana clench her fist. "A scratch, my foot…"

"From behind…" Morgana smirked as she imagined herself stabbing Arthur again.

George shook the cell bars. "Thrown straight into this cell…" he muttered angrily.

"Stabbing the king in the back," Merlin murmured as he also watched Morgana.

"Differing tastes." Gwaine wondered what Mordred's problem with being called cute was, anyway. It was a compliment really.

Suddenly, the dungeon entrance burst open, and Leon and Elyan marched in. "We are now taking Morgana and Mordred out to be executed for their sorcery," Leon announced, his face impassive as he looked sternly at his once-friend.

"Gwaine?" Elyan whispered in shock. Gwaine waved back half-heartedly.

The instant Morgana's cell door was opened, her eyes flashed gold. The two knights were knocked out. Another flash, along with a muttered spell, and the keys from Leon's hand flew out and began unlocking everyone else's doors,

Morgana turned back to see everyone staring at her, not moving from their previous positions. "Oh come on, just abandon your pride and leave!" she snapped. "Besides, I betcha you would have done the same!"

Without another words, the rest of the sorcerers (and George) began making their way out silently after her, wondering what was to become of them now that they were final free.

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**Review? I hope I haven't made the characters too OOC.**


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